Gaining So Much More Than What I Lost!

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.” ― Simone de Beauvoir

.... It is truly amazing! Since I made the conscious decision to fully embody the Goddess on a physical level, I have been re-gaining all that I once lost: my self-esteem, my confidence, true love for my body, and most important, the simple pleasure in being ME. Plus, I have lost 17 pounds since the end of March! Almost effortlessly, I might add. Just one unexpected shift in my thinking has changed
E V E R Y T H I N G! 

Some of changes I have noticed in recent weeks:

1. My Balance Has Improved: Now 'tree' pose is easy. I can even raise my hands in a graceful overhead prayer and sway them slowly to and fro!
2. I Am More Conscious: I no longer eat mindlessly, nor too much! That habit just fell away ~ no struggle whatsoever... 
3. I Hear My Body: Listening to my body feels effortless, now. It is a pleasure to treat her with respect and consideration and kindness. 
4. Healthy is Satisfying: I no longer crave carbs or sugary sweets. I am not even tempted ~ Now, my body craves fresh fruit: especially juicy peaches, cherries, apples, grapes, plums, strawberries and blueberries.
5. I Am Moving More Gracefully: I can feel myself flowing, gliding, and gently navigating though my day like I use to. I have regained my sense of self. I now feel at ease and comfortable claiming space. At long last, it is a joy to be in harmony with my body and my surroundings.
6. My Hair Is Growing Super Long: I have always had long hair, but now it is growing faster than I ever remember. It is healthy and shiny and bouncy again. Plus, I am not losing as much when I brush or wash it!
7. I Am Feeling Sexy: This is huge! It has been a long time since I felt passions flame, this sense of sassiness, and my inner harlot. I like it! Though I have not changed that much without, major renovations are happening within! I am a wild woman!
8. My Skin Is Healthier: No more dry, wrinkly skin! No more itchy scalp! 
9. I Have More Energy: Seriously! There is a bounce in my step. I am accomplishing more and feel the divine moving through my essence.
10. I Am Happy: Really, truly. I am enjoying so many sensual pleasures. I    am feeling excited! Excited to be alive, living my truth, expressing my radiance, making space for abundance and opening up to the unlimited possibilities! Life is truly beautiful!!!

. . . Meditation is a tool to shake yourself awake. A way to discover what you love. A practice to return yourself to your body when the mind medleys threaten to usurp your sanity.” ― Geneen Roth

19 June 2014  Journal Entry:

I am truly caring for myself. I am being nourished and sustained in ways I did not expect to be. How glorious that a few simple changes can shift everything for the better. The little moment to moment choices that I make concerning my diet, the way I spend my time, what I think, and how I move my body have made a radical difference in my quality of life!

~~~~

Eating more yogurt - not the sugar filled kind, but Fage Greek yogurt, every day, makes me feel so good on the inside. My body is devouring the nutrients in all the fresh, organic vegetables and fruits I have added to my daily menu. Drinking more water than I ever have is cleansing and restoring my body; I can feel it coming alive! I am on the edge of thriving!

Meditating... This simple 20 minute practice clears away more than I ever realized it could. I come away from the experience feeling lighter, more free. Sometimes, without effort I enter into a place of stillness, emptiness, quiet. Which is the most extraordinary thing for a woman like me, whose thoughts are a constant waterfall or at least, a babbling brook.  
Yoga. I love yoga! When I first started I felt so fat, cumbersome, clumsy, stiff, and old. Now, slowly ~ I am becoming more agile, more flexible, more elastic, more capable of moving with ease. My body is remembering the way it moved when I was a girl. Though I am far from that place of being, I can imagine myself being there once more. For now, this is enough.

Breathing... How can breathing be such a struggle when it is an involuntary act? I do not know. But if I think about my breath, I immediately hold it, fight against it, or try to control it. I am learning to let it go; to relax with my sacred breath; to take in a full breath, just as full as the amount I willingly exhale. 

This week, while listening to a radio program, I heard something that halted my thoughts while at the same time caused them to forge new pathways in my brain: 

The woman speaking commented in such a way as to express that we as women, breathe shallowly, because we are not allowing ourselves to receive as deeply as we give away. WOW! This rang so true for me. As if the very act, our natural right to breathe in air, might infringe upon someone else! I spent a lot of time thinking on this... and now, I choose to allow myself to breathe in as deeply as I possibly can. It still does not come naturally, but it feels so good! I must practice so it becomes a habit.

These four simple necessities - breathing, eating, moving and resting. Each a sacred act. Yet, on some unspoken, unconscious level, I just now realize that I must have been made to feel (at some time in my life) guilty and unworthy to even be alive. Thus explains the silent war I have waged within myself about my value and my right to receive the essential nourishment that I require. No wonder my body held on to all that it could get. In its wisdom, it knew that it deserved to live, to take up space, to hold energy. 



My Sacred Vow:

In this moment, NOW, I grant my self permission to breathe, to eat, to rest and to move freely, wildly, joyfully, ecstatically! Never again will I be made to feel that I am unworthy to be alive on this planet, to be part of the body of my Mother Earth. Never again will I allow myself to mistreat nor deny my beautiful body these basic rights to life. Instead, I will consciously and purposefully set aside scheduled time to embrace and be nourished by each. And so it is.



AFFIRMATIONS:

I LOVE myself enough to make wise and healthy choices.

I LOVE my body so much that I will be a good mother caring for it. I will be a good lover providing for its pleasure, its safety, comfort, health and freedom to express its true essence.

I forgive all wrong doings, harm, neglect and betrayal done against my body, mind and spirit.

I accept what is rightfully mine with joy and peace of mind. I will open to receive graciously.

I am free to breathe, to nourish myself, to rest when I need to, to take up space and move as I desire.  

I release all fears that have held me prisoner, waged war against my body and emotions, and have lied to me.

I LOVE my body. I LOVE my mind. I LOVE my spirit. I LOVE my emotions. I LOVE me! 

“Do something every day that is loving toward your body and gives you the opportunity to enjoy the sensations of your body.” ― Golda Poretsky

I Embody the Goddess!


photo credit:

Alto/Antoine Arraou via Getty Images
Pearl Mala by CatandtheBird on Etsy.com
One With Nature  by Wind Stock Photo

Sleeping Beauty Slumbers No More

I have always believed in fairy tales. Though, in my haste for ever after happiness, I gave away my power. With each lover, and with every new relationship, I gave more and more of myself away in the hopes that the man I loved would make all my dreams come true! 

Buried beneath layer and layer of hurtful experience, dashed dreams, broken promises, stolen trust, denial, self-hate and secret expectations, my goddess body has slumbered... There she lay, so beautiful and youthful, silently reminding me that hope can never die, and with a kiss of true love, she will awaken. 

Only, I have discovered that my true love is not another, but is my self! It is the true love of my own inner, divine masculine who must kiss and awaken my inner goddess. For years, I thought it was 'me' who judged myself so harshly, who whispered criticism, who compared my body to that of others, and who sabotaged my efforts to attract the love I desired. But, I now know that it was my inner masculine energy reflecting the opinion and lies of the patriarchy which has ruled for ages and ages. This caused me to be divided within myself... I was completely out of balance.

Balance is found within the Sacred Marriage ~ between the divine feminine and divine masculine energies within my body. This union brings me into wholeness and allows me to act from a true place of love.

It is by my own gentle acts of self love that my inner goddess is revived. It is in the moment to moment crafting of self love and conscious choices that I am set free! It is my own true love: my thoughts and my actions which enhance my body image, delight my senses, empower my will and uplift my spirit. 

None other.

"Consider a girl who keeps slipping off, arms limp as old carrots, into the hypnotist's trance, into a spirit world speaking with gifts of tongues."
~ Anne Sexton, Transformations

31 March 2014  Journal Entry:


I have a renewed love for my body, which I feel as a sublime inner peace. The time spent honoring my body temple yesterday, was just what I needed. 

Making the choice move my body daily, is stirring some long slumbering essence within. I feel juicy!! Today, my yoga class was so intense, yet, I flowed through each pose with a sense of deep satisfaction and pleasure. Though I am still a little off balance*, which makes the tree pose a challenge.




          the tree pose


Later, I went for a 5 mile bike ride. It was a pleasant experience, far more relaxing and meditative than I thought it would be. This should strengthen my balance, I hope.


*
Balance Mantra

Har Har Waheguru

Har Har Waheguru is a vibrational sound which ushers in bliss while it creates balance between the physical and spiritual; restoring equilibrium. Repeating this mantra while in a meditative state activates the healing process; eliminates subconscious blocks from the past.

Wear Amber for Balance  

Amber - A fossilized tree resin - allows the body to heal itself by absorbing and transmuting negative energy into positive energy. It stimulates the intellect and opens the crown chakra. It also transmutes the energy of physical vitality toward the activation of unconditional love. It aligns the ethereal energies to the physical, mental, and emotional bodies, providing for an even flow of perfect order to the requirements of the Earth plane while balancing the electro-magnetics of the physical body.

Love is in the Earth: A Kaleidoscope of Crystals by Melody

Loss of Balance: 

  Cause -  Scattered thoughts. Not centered; grounded.
  Affirm - I center myself in safety and accept the perfection of my 
                life. All is well. 

You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise L. Hay

“Words invoke peace & awareness. Words create freedom and fairness. Words  plant sacred seeds. and sing us back into balance.” 

― Jay Woodman

 I Embody the Goddess!




art credit:
Sleeping Beauty by Henry Meynell Rheam, pencil and watercolour, 1899.

Goddess Awaken

Once I made the conscious decision to physically embody the goddess, making choices that reflect this decision suddenly seems effortless. Now, I feel a renewed and profound LOVE for my body!

The realization that awakened me ~ My 'aha' moment:

I knew that I was neglecting my body, but I didn't realize at what cost... I have gained so much weight in recent years: my skin feels so dry, my hair seems thinner, my nails are brittle and I feel tired. Also, I notice the onset of little aches, pains and stiffness that were not there before. A decrease of flexibility, balance, agility and strength make me feel old when I want to feel vibrant, radiant, capable and comfortable in my body...

Yet, it wasn't until I saw a photograph taken (two weeks ago) of myself unaware at a party that I really saw how much I have changed! The image did not match my inner vision of myself, at all... I was shocked! It use to be that I didn't feel as confident or lovely as I appeared to others, even though I knew I was attractive. Now, after all these years of conscious practice and diligent focus to truly LOVE my authentic self: flaws, as well as beauty, I find that my physical appearance no longer reflects the way I see myself. (Isn't it ironic that when I was young and beautiful, I did not fully appreciate or even truly acknowledge myself as such, and yet, now that I am 53, I do, but my acknowledgement and humble appreciation have absolutely nothing to do with who I see when I look in the mirror?!) 

Today, I awoke with a renewed sense of purpose and sacred intent. I am going to love my body by making choices that truly honor my inner goddess. I am going to lose all this extra weight that I've been gathering and carrying around for far too long. Whether I have padded myself as an unconscious form of self protection, or a belief that I'm not 'good enough' because I do not have the body, shape and size I desire, or due to midlife changes brought on by perimenopause, or from excessive self criticism, shyness and past trauma, I don't know... but suddenly it no longer matters. I'm ready to let it go! 

Embrace what truly brings pleasure, beauty, purpose, meaning and blessings, and with a breath of kindness, release everything else. 

This has been my motto for years. I have let go of so much on other levels, yet physically, I keep holding on. Holding on to clothes that do not fit or flatter; holding on to boxes of possessions that I never use; holding on to a relationship that does not allow the free flow of my passion, playfulness and spontaneity; holding on to old habits and routines that no longer serve me and my inner goddess. Why do I do this? What am I afraid will happen if I let it go? Today, I let go of this unknown fear....


Affirmation:
It is safe for me to let go. I effortlessly release burdens, fear, doubt, self-consciousness, judgement, weight and heaviness. I deserve to love myself in ways that feel good. I am free.

28 March 2014 Journal Entry:

Today, I have decided to focus on embodying the Goddess on a physical level by loving my body enough to lose the excess weight I have been holding on to due to stress, fear and lack of proper self care. 

* I took a nude photo of myself, as well as my current weight and measurements in order to chart my progress and transformation.

AWAKENING: 
Embodying the Goddess on a physical level requires a daily practice of self love, conscious choices, natural healing and moving my body in ways that feel good. 

PROMISE:
I will honor my divine feminine essence inside and out. 

TRUTH:
I love to prepare and eat fresh, organic, healthy food! I avoid processed foods, and fast food entirely. Yet, in the last five years I have been steadily gaining weight; most likely due to a combination of a lower level of exercise and the onset of perimenopause. 

At the first of the year I began yoga and practice twice a week for 45 minutes. I love how it has gently awakened my body awareness, while seriously moving me past my limitations. 

In addition to yoga, I now intend to walk (or move) 5-6 days a week, for at least an hour. I wish to ground into my body as a way to honor Mother Earth and to enjoy my sublime body more, through dance and other sensual, pleasurable ways... 

GOAL:
To joyfully release my excess weight so I can feel comfortable and blessed in my beautiful body for decades to come!

With this plan and my strong sense of conviction, I know that I will be able to embrace my body in ways that empower me to blossom and to physically embody the Goddess in ways that I have yet to discover. I am looking forward to this unfolding journey.

 

I Embody the Goddess!






art credit:
Dakini drawing from Tara Mandala, Colorado