Gaining So Much More Than What I Lost!

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.” ― Simone de Beauvoir

.... It is truly amazing! Since I made the conscious decision to fully embody the Goddess on a physical level, I have been re-gaining all that I once lost: my self-esteem, my confidence, true love for my body, and most important, the simple pleasure in being ME. Plus, I have lost 17 pounds since the end of March! Almost effortlessly, I might add. Just one unexpected shift in my thinking has changed
E V E R Y T H I N G! 

Some of changes I have noticed in recent weeks:

1. My Balance Has Improved: Now 'tree' pose is easy. I can even raise my hands in a graceful overhead prayer and sway them slowly to and fro!
2. I Am More Conscious: I no longer eat mindlessly, nor too much! That habit just fell away ~ no struggle whatsoever... 
3. I Hear My Body: Listening to my body feels effortless, now. It is a pleasure to treat her with respect and consideration and kindness. 
4. Healthy is Satisfying: I no longer crave carbs or sugary sweets. I am not even tempted ~ Now, my body craves fresh fruit: especially juicy peaches, cherries, apples, grapes, plums, strawberries and blueberries.
5. I Am Moving More Gracefully: I can feel myself flowing, gliding, and gently navigating though my day like I use to. I have regained my sense of self. I now feel at ease and comfortable claiming space. At long last, it is a joy to be in harmony with my body and my surroundings.
6. My Hair Is Growing Super Long: I have always had long hair, but now it is growing faster than I ever remember. It is healthy and shiny and bouncy again. Plus, I am not losing as much when I brush or wash it!
7. I Am Feeling Sexy: This is huge! It has been a long time since I felt passions flame, this sense of sassiness, and my inner harlot. I like it! Though I have not changed that much without, major renovations are happening within! I am a wild woman!
8. My Skin Is Healthier: No more dry, wrinkly skin! No more itchy scalp! 
9. I Have More Energy: Seriously! There is a bounce in my step. I am accomplishing more and feel the divine moving through my essence.
10. I Am Happy: Really, truly. I am enjoying so many sensual pleasures. I    am feeling excited! Excited to be alive, living my truth, expressing my radiance, making space for abundance and opening up to the unlimited possibilities! Life is truly beautiful!!!

. . . Meditation is a tool to shake yourself awake. A way to discover what you love. A practice to return yourself to your body when the mind medleys threaten to usurp your sanity.” ― Geneen Roth

19 June 2014  Journal Entry:

I am truly caring for myself. I am being nourished and sustained in ways I did not expect to be. How glorious that a few simple changes can shift everything for the better. The little moment to moment choices that I make concerning my diet, the way I spend my time, what I think, and how I move my body have made a radical difference in my quality of life!

~~~~

Eating more yogurt - not the sugar filled kind, but Fage Greek yogurt, every day, makes me feel so good on the inside. My body is devouring the nutrients in all the fresh, organic vegetables and fruits I have added to my daily menu. Drinking more water than I ever have is cleansing and restoring my body; I can feel it coming alive! I am on the edge of thriving!

Meditating... This simple 20 minute practice clears away more than I ever realized it could. I come away from the experience feeling lighter, more free. Sometimes, without effort I enter into a place of stillness, emptiness, quiet. Which is the most extraordinary thing for a woman like me, whose thoughts are a constant waterfall or at least, a babbling brook.  
Yoga. I love yoga! When I first started I felt so fat, cumbersome, clumsy, stiff, and old. Now, slowly ~ I am becoming more agile, more flexible, more elastic, more capable of moving with ease. My body is remembering the way it moved when I was a girl. Though I am far from that place of being, I can imagine myself being there once more. For now, this is enough.

Breathing... How can breathing be such a struggle when it is an involuntary act? I do not know. But if I think about my breath, I immediately hold it, fight against it, or try to control it. I am learning to let it go; to relax with my sacred breath; to take in a full breath, just as full as the amount I willingly exhale. 

This week, while listening to a radio program, I heard something that halted my thoughts while at the same time caused them to forge new pathways in my brain: 

The woman speaking commented in such a way as to express that we as women, breathe shallowly, because we are not allowing ourselves to receive as deeply as we give away. WOW! This rang so true for me. As if the very act, our natural right to breathe in air, might infringe upon someone else! I spent a lot of time thinking on this... and now, I choose to allow myself to breathe in as deeply as I possibly can. It still does not come naturally, but it feels so good! I must practice so it becomes a habit.

These four simple necessities - breathing, eating, moving and resting. Each a sacred act. Yet, on some unspoken, unconscious level, I just now realize that I must have been made to feel (at some time in my life) guilty and unworthy to even be alive. Thus explains the silent war I have waged within myself about my value and my right to receive the essential nourishment that I require. No wonder my body held on to all that it could get. In its wisdom, it knew that it deserved to live, to take up space, to hold energy. 



My Sacred Vow:

In this moment, NOW, I grant my self permission to breathe, to eat, to rest and to move freely, wildly, joyfully, ecstatically! Never again will I be made to feel that I am unworthy to be alive on this planet, to be part of the body of my Mother Earth. Never again will I allow myself to mistreat nor deny my beautiful body these basic rights to life. Instead, I will consciously and purposefully set aside scheduled time to embrace and be nourished by each. And so it is.



AFFIRMATIONS:

I LOVE myself enough to make wise and healthy choices.

I LOVE my body so much that I will be a good mother caring for it. I will be a good lover providing for its pleasure, its safety, comfort, health and freedom to express its true essence.

I forgive all wrong doings, harm, neglect and betrayal done against my body, mind and spirit.

I accept what is rightfully mine with joy and peace of mind. I will open to receive graciously.

I am free to breathe, to nourish myself, to rest when I need to, to take up space and move as I desire.  

I release all fears that have held me prisoner, waged war against my body and emotions, and have lied to me.

I LOVE my body. I LOVE my mind. I LOVE my spirit. I LOVE my emotions. I LOVE me! 

“Do something every day that is loving toward your body and gives you the opportunity to enjoy the sensations of your body.” ― Golda Poretsky

I Embody the Goddess!


photo credit:

Alto/Antoine Arraou via Getty Images
Pearl Mala by CatandtheBird on Etsy.com
One With Nature  by Wind Stock Photo

CHANGE: The Life of a Butterfly Woman

Seeing myself as, and relating my life to a butterfly is something that I do from time to time; not with an intentional purpose to do so, but rather, the thought just flutters into my consciousness like a pale blue butterfly flitting effortlessly from flower to flower. 

And, yet there are times when I feel the opposite of a weightless, beautiful creature with wings! I feel heavy, ravenous, and shapeless. 

Have you ever felt so weary and heavy of spirit that you simply could not keep your eyes open for another moment? When even thinking a single thought is more than you can bear? Do you ever feel so broken or disenchanted that nothing seems as it was, just days ago? 

Or, have you ever found yourself in that place where you feel increasingly needy... insatiable even, and yet, where almost every thing has become so tedious, tiring, and overwhelmingly burdensome 
that even desired change is just too much? Perhaps unexpectedly, you have also noticed with a sudden and sad realization, that your life has become a blur of meaningless routine? If so, you're not alone. I have felt it, too! 

I think of this as the caterpillar stage.

I find myself in this stage, almost every time after a long season of mindlessly consuming everything around me without taking time to slow down, go within, enjoy or make sense of all that I have embraced or experienced. Sometimes, I come to this place due to an accident, an illness, or some other event or circumstance that catches me completely off guard.

Once we come to this awareness within our self, our body or our life, there is nothing that can be done, except surrender to the feelings, reflect upon them, rest and begin the process of digestion and 
assimilation... 

It's a strange place to be in, for certain. It can feel claustrophobic, and quite frightening. We may cry, rant or scream! But eventually, we become listless, lazy, languid... and maybe, even depressed. Yet, as unpleasant as it is, we instinctively know that we must wrap this place of deadening uncertainty about ourselves, if we wish for any hope of true release. Wisdom whispers that it is in this dark, unknown terrain that we will find solace and wings. 

Though I have experienced each stage and cycle of transformation, I keep finding myself back at the beginning, again and again. 


28 April 2014  Journal Entry:

Last Friday, my computer stopped working! It simply 
got stuck in a pattern, and could not, no matter what 
was done to help, get out of it. Perhaps, this is a 
small thing in the great scheme of things, but it was 
HUGE to me. I had seven years worth of my creative 
life stored on that hard drive (journals, workshops, 
ideas, teachings, detailed notes for the books I am 
writing, plans, as well as vast collections of wisdom, 
images and memories)! 

Though I tried with all my might to not act or feel 
upset, I was! But more than that, I was afraid.

For the last three days while it was being worked on, 
I did almost, absolutely nothing, except for the very basics: personal hygiene; preparing, dining and 
cleaning up after meals; sleeping. I entertained my 
mind with an endless procession of movies; one love 
story after another.... I prayed. I pouted. I froze.

Though I secretly fretted, I refused to allow myself 
to consider the dire possibilities of loss. In fact,
I barely spoke a word to anyone. I shoved everything
that came up, back down.

Late, last night, it was announced that my computer 
was 'fixed'. Not as it had been, mind you. Not 
anything like it was, but rather, only the bare bones 
minimum. That all my files were gone! (Thankfully, 
most of them were copied and saved on backup hard 
drive a month before, but they will not be easy to access).

This morning, I woke up to the repaired version ~ it 
is  naked, and ever so much slower.. I am on the edge 
of tears. The prospect of starting over is daunting. 
The fact that I also woke up with a slight ache in 
my lower back, is not only troubling, but very telling,
as problems with the lower back, metaphysically 
speaking, generally refer to a lack of trust in the 
Universe to protect and support us. 

I know this truth, yet, I've already entered the 
chrysalis, and my thinking has turned to mush, Some
where in the back of my mind I think: Perhaps, yoga 
will help. So, I shower, dress, fill up my water 
bottle and head out the door....





02 May 2014  Journal Entry:

I seriously hurt my back last Monday. When I first 
arrived at my yoga class, A voice spoke: 'Just get 
up and quietly slip out the door.' To which I smiled,
but remained where I sat. Fifteen minutes into class,
I heard the voice again: 'This is too much, just 
leave now, no one will notice.' I almost laughed, but 
only silently replied: "It's okay, I can do this."
I felt like I was flowing through each pose. I wasn't
hurting badly, just a slight tweak in my lower back.
During the last fifteen minutes while sitting in the
seated spinal twist pose, ironically called the Sage
Pose, I heard the voice again: 'Seriously, just get
up and quietly leave the room. No one will mind if 
you leave a little early.' Again, I argued: "I'm 
almost done, only a few more minutes. It's silly to
leave when class is almost over."

By the time I got home, I hurt so badly, I could
hardly walk. It hurt to stand; it hurt to sit! As 
the hours went by, the pain became so intense! 

Why didn't I listen to my body?!

I am still in excruciating pain! I have been to my
Spinal Network Analysis healer for back treatments 
several times this week, but nothing seems to help,
except laying down and epsom salt baths. 

At first I fought the idea, but acute pain forced 
me to remain in bed all week long, it was my only
relief. But even laying down had its hazards, as I
discovered with every attempt to turn on my side, 
or readjust my pillow. 

Yet, being alone in my bedroom all day long has
triggered a comforting memory of timelessness only
known in childhood. I have taken long, luxurious 
naps while the sun softly poured in and lay across 
the bed with me. I have finished reading the first 
book of The Game of Thrones. I have daydreamed, 
journaled,and stared out the window allowing my 
mind to drift among the mountains and lake for 
uncounted hours.

I have been unable to adhere to my assigned calorie
count, due to the fact that my man cannot cook, so
we've been eating delivery and take-out. Yet, I am
seriously cutting my portions back, as I still wish
to comply fully with my promises. Though I am not
eating as many fresh and healthy meals as I would 
prepare for us, I feel that I am nourishing my soul,
and that is vital for healing!

I am witness to my inner self: My attitude is 
positive, my goals attainable, and my passion to 
reach it is on fire! I see my dream wings!

On the day that you feel that first twinge of back pain, an entire personal history has already unfolded. ~ Deepak Chopra

9 May 2014  Journal Entry:

After another week of treatments with Dr. Rick,
I am finally feeling better! 

Earlier this week, he told me that nothing was
wrong with my back, but that he suspected I had 
an energy blockage; anger. Anger?! I'm not an
angry woman. I'm gentle, patient and soft spoken. 

Yet, that voice again whispered: 'This is true.' 
It touched me deeply; I began to cry! After 
I released through tears, the energy begin to 
move. Though I can still feel the pain, I can 
b r e a t h e through it. And, gratefully, I 
can sit and stand without debilitating pain.

I spent time this week listening to my body,
listening to the pain and following where it
led. So much repressed anger came to the
surface for me to see:

A childhood of being told to stop crying (as if that would make the lies, hurt and sadness go away), of being undervalued, mistrusted, and mocked. Of being shamed, misunderstood, teased and wrongly blamed by those in authority or by those who claimed to love me.

A lifetime of 'playing nice', of keeping the peace, of bearing betrayal, mistreatment and lies without a sound. A lifetime pretending Iwas never angry, that I never raged inside!

And far too many years of hiding my fear and anger beneath layers of my own precious flesh, in order to disguise my true feelings. Of hiding my beauty, silencing my voice, denying my truth all so that I would be loved by those who only wanted a surface version of me, who feared to delve into my murky depths. Including myself!

Throughout this week, I have also been gifted 
so many wise insights, intuitive revelations,
and kind gifts from others.

A kindred spirit spoke words of blessing and 
healing over me. During a guided meditation,
she saw me and when these blockages began: at 
age 3 (Which, of course, I know they did!). 
She reminded me that in order to be the truth 
of my authentic self, I must trust, With TRUST 
I will powerfully walk my talk. 

A soul sistar of mine did an emotional clearing
for me, which proved far more accurate and
healing than I could have imagined! After which 
I was able to release layers of repressed and
blocked emotions dealing with feelings and core 
level beliefs that I must work hard to be loved, 
valued and appreciated. For too long I have felt
held back by a thick goo; it is liberating to 
finally move the energy surrounding:

self worth
worthiness
abandonment
resentment
sadness/sorrow
pride and anger
anxiety/worry due to trauma
self criticism
limited thought patterns
old belief systems
self consciousness

At last, I am feeling more at peace within my body!
And, since beginning this vow to Embody the Goddess
I have lost 13 pounds and lots of inches! 

It is my prayer that these realizations will aid
me on my journey toward loving my body, losing 
weight and empowering myself on every level.

A message from the Butterfly Queen!

Required Lessons and Realizations for the Attainment of Butterfly Wings:

• Listen to your body! Don't wait until it hurts to seek healing, comfort, compassion and help. Your mission: Care for your body.
• Practice self-love and self-care daily, moment to moment. Allow yourself the time and resources needed. Truth: Your body is worthy.
• Honor your emotions. Feel them. Hear them. Acknowledge them. Find creative and healthy ways to express them so that the energy can flow. Breathe, release and move. Sacred and Constant Gift: Change.
• Trust. Trust that you are utterly adored. You are! Go with the flow. Dance with the energies of life.  Remember: You are already whole.
• When the time comes, emerge renewed and unfold your wings. Be yourself. Be free. FLY. Goal: Kiss as many fragrant blossoms possible.

“We are all butterflies. Earth is our chrysalis.”   

― LeeAnn Taylor

I Embody the Goddess!





art credit:
{butterfly woman at mirror} by James Jean
credit for the other images shared: unknown

Dreams of Being a Butterfly

Spring is truly here. Just a little over a week since my 53rd birthday and I feel a profound sense of excitement, renewal, delight. This is my favorite season. Everything seems fairly bursting with promise and possibility, including me!

During the night my dreams were sensual, seductive, and vividly colourful. I felt so happy... I remember wanting to embrace them a little longer when I became softly aware of the sun pouring in upon me, but something akin to childhood glee encouraged me to wake up and joyfully jump out of bed. So, I did...

29 March 2014  Journal Entry:

I awoke with a renewed sense of purpose, beauty and gratitude this morning. It feels wonderful to have chosen to love myself in this new way. I feel excited, passionate and somehow lighter, already. Perhaps, my excess weight has more to do with emotional and mental 'heaviness' than it does with my body. It's as if my body simply became a mirror showing me all that I've held on to for far too long. Now, I feel FREE.

*********************************************

I dreamed of being the butterfly. 

She begins as an egg (innocent). Content to simply be. Content only to dream....

Suddenly, life happens, and she feels the instinctive need to grow (develop and learn). Unaware, she becomes a slave to hunger. With an insatiable desire to constantly consume (ideas, information, lovers, obligations / responsibilities), she finds herself so plump, so far beyond the image she once held of herself. She knows that she is destined to be something lighter and more beautiful, yet, for the life of her she does not know how to change. Within, there is an innate whisper, a deep longing, an aching for something more ~ something colourful, fragrant and sensual. But still, she goes on as she always has, unconsciously consuming the endless monotony of her current reality. 

Until one day, she declares to herself ENOUGH. She is too big and too weary to take in or on another thing! She simply stops and cocoons herself away from all that she knows. She releases the daily habits; the relentless schedule she once thought vital. She closes her eyes, willing to just let go, to become nothing ~ and in this place she literally turns to goo! Perhaps, there are tears: a dissolving away of old fears, old limitations, old ideals, old ways... She simply surrenders and waits. For what she does not know. Time becomes immeasurable. She is unaware of anything beyond her present need to go inward.

THEN, in a single moment of awakening, she 'sees the light'. She KNOWS that everything has changed. Not in the world, but within herself! Something is different. She feels different. Aware that she is on edge of complete transformation from the life she has always known. she senses that she has wings. They are fragile, yet strong. Though she knows, that she cannot be rushed to unfold before she is ready. Even when she desperately desire help, she knows she must do this alone. She must gather her courage and patiently wait for her own inner juices to flow. She trusts that her wings will strengthen. She can hardly wait to spread wide and open herself to the world. Quietly, she prepares herself for the unknown adventures that await... by making choices that are in true alignment, and are in harmony with her authentic truth of being! 

She anticipates the day she will FLY. 

FLY is an acronym for: Fully Love Yourself.

She becomes the butterfly that she has always known herself to be. She dreamed of this moment, this glorious day when she could be her most beautiful self ~ Now, she is free to discover nectar and nourishment in every flower blossom (opportunity) that opens to her!

To me the energy of the embodied Sacred Feminine feels like tingles and aliveness and pleasure in my whole body. It feels like my heart is just blossoming open with every breath; it feels like ripples and waves of pleasurable joy, and it was so foreign to me, especially when I was new to these practices. I was in such a shielded and guarded and armored body.” 

— Renee Jeffus

I Embody the Goddess!





art credit:
The Night Sky Butterfly by Sid Reger, Goddess Mandalas