CHANGE: The Life of a Butterfly Woman

Seeing myself as, and relating my life to a butterfly is something that I do from time to time; not with an intentional purpose to do so, but rather, the thought just flutters into my consciousness like a pale blue butterfly flitting effortlessly from flower to flower. 

And, yet there are times when I feel the opposite of a weightless, beautiful creature with wings! I feel heavy, ravenous, and shapeless. 

Have you ever felt so weary and heavy of spirit that you simply could not keep your eyes open for another moment? When even thinking a single thought is more than you can bear? Do you ever feel so broken or disenchanted that nothing seems as it was, just days ago? 

Or, have you ever found yourself in that place where you feel increasingly needy... insatiable even, and yet, where almost every thing has become so tedious, tiring, and overwhelmingly burdensome 
that even desired change is just too much? Perhaps unexpectedly, you have also noticed with a sudden and sad realization, that your life has become a blur of meaningless routine? If so, you're not alone. I have felt it, too! 

I think of this as the caterpillar stage.

I find myself in this stage, almost every time after a long season of mindlessly consuming everything around me without taking time to slow down, go within, enjoy or make sense of all that I have embraced or experienced. Sometimes, I come to this place due to an accident, an illness, or some other event or circumstance that catches me completely off guard.

Once we come to this awareness within our self, our body or our life, there is nothing that can be done, except surrender to the feelings, reflect upon them, rest and begin the process of digestion and 
assimilation... 

It's a strange place to be in, for certain. It can feel claustrophobic, and quite frightening. We may cry, rant or scream! But eventually, we become listless, lazy, languid... and maybe, even depressed. Yet, as unpleasant as it is, we instinctively know that we must wrap this place of deadening uncertainty about ourselves, if we wish for any hope of true release. Wisdom whispers that it is in this dark, unknown terrain that we will find solace and wings. 

Though I have experienced each stage and cycle of transformation, I keep finding myself back at the beginning, again and again. 


28 April 2014  Journal Entry:

Last Friday, my computer stopped working! It simply 
got stuck in a pattern, and could not, no matter what 
was done to help, get out of it. Perhaps, this is a 
small thing in the great scheme of things, but it was 
HUGE to me. I had seven years worth of my creative 
life stored on that hard drive (journals, workshops, 
ideas, teachings, detailed notes for the books I am 
writing, plans, as well as vast collections of wisdom, 
images and memories)! 

Though I tried with all my might to not act or feel 
upset, I was! But more than that, I was afraid.

For the last three days while it was being worked on, 
I did almost, absolutely nothing, except for the very basics: personal hygiene; preparing, dining and 
cleaning up after meals; sleeping. I entertained my 
mind with an endless procession of movies; one love 
story after another.... I prayed. I pouted. I froze.

Though I secretly fretted, I refused to allow myself 
to consider the dire possibilities of loss. In fact,
I barely spoke a word to anyone. I shoved everything
that came up, back down.

Late, last night, it was announced that my computer 
was 'fixed'. Not as it had been, mind you. Not 
anything like it was, but rather, only the bare bones 
minimum. That all my files were gone! (Thankfully, 
most of them were copied and saved on backup hard 
drive a month before, but they will not be easy to access).

This morning, I woke up to the repaired version ~ it 
is  naked, and ever so much slower.. I am on the edge 
of tears. The prospect of starting over is daunting. 
The fact that I also woke up with a slight ache in 
my lower back, is not only troubling, but very telling,
as problems with the lower back, metaphysically 
speaking, generally refer to a lack of trust in the 
Universe to protect and support us. 

I know this truth, yet, I've already entered the 
chrysalis, and my thinking has turned to mush, Some
where in the back of my mind I think: Perhaps, yoga 
will help. So, I shower, dress, fill up my water 
bottle and head out the door....





02 May 2014  Journal Entry:

I seriously hurt my back last Monday. When I first 
arrived at my yoga class, A voice spoke: 'Just get 
up and quietly slip out the door.' To which I smiled,
but remained where I sat. Fifteen minutes into class,
I heard the voice again: 'This is too much, just 
leave now, no one will notice.' I almost laughed, but 
only silently replied: "It's okay, I can do this."
I felt like I was flowing through each pose. I wasn't
hurting badly, just a slight tweak in my lower back.
During the last fifteen minutes while sitting in the
seated spinal twist pose, ironically called the Sage
Pose, I heard the voice again: 'Seriously, just get
up and quietly leave the room. No one will mind if 
you leave a little early.' Again, I argued: "I'm 
almost done, only a few more minutes. It's silly to
leave when class is almost over."

By the time I got home, I hurt so badly, I could
hardly walk. It hurt to stand; it hurt to sit! As 
the hours went by, the pain became so intense! 

Why didn't I listen to my body?!

I am still in excruciating pain! I have been to my
Spinal Network Analysis healer for back treatments 
several times this week, but nothing seems to help,
except laying down and epsom salt baths. 

At first I fought the idea, but acute pain forced 
me to remain in bed all week long, it was my only
relief. But even laying down had its hazards, as I
discovered with every attempt to turn on my side, 
or readjust my pillow. 

Yet, being alone in my bedroom all day long has
triggered a comforting memory of timelessness only
known in childhood. I have taken long, luxurious 
naps while the sun softly poured in and lay across 
the bed with me. I have finished reading the first 
book of The Game of Thrones. I have daydreamed, 
journaled,and stared out the window allowing my 
mind to drift among the mountains and lake for 
uncounted hours.

I have been unable to adhere to my assigned calorie
count, due to the fact that my man cannot cook, so
we've been eating delivery and take-out. Yet, I am
seriously cutting my portions back, as I still wish
to comply fully with my promises. Though I am not
eating as many fresh and healthy meals as I would 
prepare for us, I feel that I am nourishing my soul,
and that is vital for healing!

I am witness to my inner self: My attitude is 
positive, my goals attainable, and my passion to 
reach it is on fire! I see my dream wings!

On the day that you feel that first twinge of back pain, an entire personal history has already unfolded. ~ Deepak Chopra

9 May 2014  Journal Entry:

After another week of treatments with Dr. Rick,
I am finally feeling better! 

Earlier this week, he told me that nothing was
wrong with my back, but that he suspected I had 
an energy blockage; anger. Anger?! I'm not an
angry woman. I'm gentle, patient and soft spoken. 

Yet, that voice again whispered: 'This is true.' 
It touched me deeply; I began to cry! After 
I released through tears, the energy begin to 
move. Though I can still feel the pain, I can 
b r e a t h e through it. And, gratefully, I 
can sit and stand without debilitating pain.

I spent time this week listening to my body,
listening to the pain and following where it
led. So much repressed anger came to the
surface for me to see:

A childhood of being told to stop crying (as if that would make the lies, hurt and sadness go away), of being undervalued, mistrusted, and mocked. Of being shamed, misunderstood, teased and wrongly blamed by those in authority or by those who claimed to love me.

A lifetime of 'playing nice', of keeping the peace, of bearing betrayal, mistreatment and lies without a sound. A lifetime pretending Iwas never angry, that I never raged inside!

And far too many years of hiding my fear and anger beneath layers of my own precious flesh, in order to disguise my true feelings. Of hiding my beauty, silencing my voice, denying my truth all so that I would be loved by those who only wanted a surface version of me, who feared to delve into my murky depths. Including myself!

Throughout this week, I have also been gifted 
so many wise insights, intuitive revelations,
and kind gifts from others.

A kindred spirit spoke words of blessing and 
healing over me. During a guided meditation,
she saw me and when these blockages began: at 
age 3 (Which, of course, I know they did!). 
She reminded me that in order to be the truth 
of my authentic self, I must trust, With TRUST 
I will powerfully walk my talk. 

A soul sistar of mine did an emotional clearing
for me, which proved far more accurate and
healing than I could have imagined! After which 
I was able to release layers of repressed and
blocked emotions dealing with feelings and core 
level beliefs that I must work hard to be loved, 
valued and appreciated. For too long I have felt
held back by a thick goo; it is liberating to 
finally move the energy surrounding:

self worth
worthiness
abandonment
resentment
sadness/sorrow
pride and anger
anxiety/worry due to trauma
self criticism
limited thought patterns
old belief systems
self consciousness

At last, I am feeling more at peace within my body!
And, since beginning this vow to Embody the Goddess
I have lost 13 pounds and lots of inches! 

It is my prayer that these realizations will aid
me on my journey toward loving my body, losing 
weight and empowering myself on every level.

A message from the Butterfly Queen!

Required Lessons and Realizations for the Attainment of Butterfly Wings:

• Listen to your body! Don't wait until it hurts to seek healing, comfort, compassion and help. Your mission: Care for your body.
• Practice self-love and self-care daily, moment to moment. Allow yourself the time and resources needed. Truth: Your body is worthy.
• Honor your emotions. Feel them. Hear them. Acknowledge them. Find creative and healthy ways to express them so that the energy can flow. Breathe, release and move. Sacred and Constant Gift: Change.
• Trust. Trust that you are utterly adored. You are! Go with the flow. Dance with the energies of life.  Remember: You are already whole.
• When the time comes, emerge renewed and unfold your wings. Be yourself. Be free. FLY. Goal: Kiss as many fragrant blossoms possible.

“We are all butterflies. Earth is our chrysalis.”   

― LeeAnn Taylor

I Embody the Goddess!





art credit:
{butterfly woman at mirror} by James Jean
credit for the other images shared: unknown